Severus Snape and The Fern of Doom
by RocketSolarCat
Summary: [Sequel To The Never Ending Tuesday] Severus Snape: witness to insanity. Lupin knows the wonderful skill of Nose-Kazoo playing? Sirius sings? Harry's Hypnoticly Cute Smile has failed!? [Chapter 6 up]
1. Forward

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[Checked for mistakes/etc.: April, 03,2003]

Authoritrix Notes: Somehow, Lucius Malfoy and The Never Ending Tuesday [a.k.a. The Never Ending Tuesday] inspired a little more out of me, and here's the result. Enjoy, and don't worry this contains no soy. R/R Please I like people, honestly. I do. THIS IS A SEQUAL, MEANING: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY READ THE OTHER PART TO IT. LALALA. 

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Disclaimer of Doom: DOOM DOOM I own no Potter or anything that's related--DOOM DOOM DOOMY DOOM! They all belong to J.K. Rowling. DOOOOM! 

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Rating: Pg-13ish? Many a joke to be gendered here. I don't really like cussing so there's not that much in this.

SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM 

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-By Trsolarcat [RocketSolarCat] 

::Forward-"Welcome to Hogwarts: Please Keep off The Tartar Sauce"::

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Upon arriving back at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the Potions Master drowsily took a survey of the surroundings. The gates of Hogwarts stood tall and unopened, almost foreboding. 

Snape was not at all surprised to see how many of Hogwarts staff and students were there to greet him in his arrival. If you're guessing twelve, you're very close. Not a sign of anyone was waiting for his triumphant return. 

Zero. 

'No doubt they're celebrating the fact that I didn't come back again. Third time this week.'Snape thought, a scowl on his face as he approached the door. Without much delay he picked up the nearest potato peeler and threw it over the massive gates. 

The somewhat secret code. Every double agent had one, and Snape prided his own. 

"Who's there?" Called a voice, neither Hagrid's nor Filch's. It sounded like a student's voice--but how could that be? Snape picked his nose in confusion. It was summer, wasn't it? Why would there be anyone but the staff in Hogwarts? 

"Snape." He rolled his eyes, _Whatever this fools doing here they should at least know the codes around here. How could this school get along without me? _

Holding off Voldemort and his malevolent digital clocks wasn't easy. Especially for just one double agent. 

"Snape who?" Came the reply, rather quickly. Which made Snape very suspicious, perhaps this student was just messing with him. He was too tired for this, he opened his mouth to yell but the voice continued, "..Hey. Are you another one of those Weasel Salesmen? We have no need for weasels. But if you have any mongeese, we could sure use some of those."

"What do you mean--?" Snape hoarsely replied his voice rather unloud. He had yelled so many explicatives at the Malfoy Mansion last Tuesday his voice was so wore out he was surprised he could speak. If he ever got in he'd need a good clogging that always soothed the voice. 

_Tuesday?_ Snape wondered, he decided to ask, "What day is it?"

Perhaps the curse of the fern was in effect still. 

Maybe it was Tuesday the Seventeenth again. He had a tight feeling in the pit of his stomach that something was not right. He'd always been rather well at keeping his dates right. 

"Christmas Day, Sir." Came the reply over the gates. Due to the flowers on the ground Snape believed the voice, it looked very winter. 

"It's not to late! Boy! Go fetch me the biggest Turkey you can find at the town's square!" Snape called full of joy like none has ever seen. This was Snape after all. 

Then the almost automatic answer, "But Sir, I haven't any money."

"Pish, Posh! Take mine." Snape pulled out from under his pockets a bag of gold. Definitely not a teacher's salary. Perhaps he'd finally caught Lucky the Magical Pigeon and struck it rich. Taking it into his palm, he tossed it lightly over the highest part of the wall. When he heard a sturdy amount of snickering from the opposite side he finally realized something important:

"My left sock is very very....green." He concluded, indeed something terribly strange was going on of late in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Before he could think any further along the lines of that, the gate open finally. 

Hagrid was standing in shock. 

"Hagrid, thank the gods someone with half a walnut-sized brain still lives in Hogwarts or I'd be stuck out here all night." Snape run a hand through his hair, approaching Hagrid. Yet the giant looked utterly confused at his presents, "What's wrong? Don't tell me I have another sign that says _'stare at me for no real reason what-so-ever'_ on my forehead again." 

This didn't seem to help the giant's position, "Who are ya'?"

Snape almost fell over from the wave of stupidity that meandered between Hagrid and he. It struck him like a large waffle iron that was on fire. The kind that leaves those funny markings and burns the flesh. 

"Snape! Snape! Professor Severus Snape!" He yelled as loud as he could muster up with his scratchy voice. 

It was Sunday. It had to be. 

Suddenly without much of a warning Hagrid began to cry, "Ah, now look wha' ya've don'. Ya've gone and made me do....Wha give's yeh any right tah come around her' mentionin' thin's like that?!"

"My name?" Snape asked pinching the skin between his eyes, sinus pressure hurts worse when you're in the presents of idiots.

"S-S..." Hagrid was trying to dry his eyes, he seemed to be having trouble saying Snape's name for some reason, "...He-Who-Did-Us-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute isn't to be mentioned in Hogwarts'd...ever again. It always get'me sentimental ya know?"

_He-Who-Did-Us-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute? _Snape thought rubbing his squirrel in ponderation,_ Are they referring to me? As dead?_

Hagrid continued, "Ya're welcome to come in stranger but ya shouldn't go and mention that name aroun' these parts."

"What parts?" Snape asked quickly, to catch him of guard, surely he'd remember Snape then. The Potions Master was in no mood to think up a 'proper' sarcastic insult. 

Hagrid stopped, pondering this. 

Snape decided he'd best go inside, and let the half-giant think about this question for a little longer. He'd return if Hagrid was still there in the morning to tell him the answer. Couldn't have Hagrid standing at the gate for too long. 

The Potions Master decided to head straight up to Dumbledore's chambers; he needed to speak with the Headmaster immediately about this matter. For once he wondered if they'd went a little too far with the whole 'Snape's Dead Party' this time. 

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Authoritrix ending notes:

This is starting out too normalness. Bah! It'll get odder. Hopefully. I think I had a writer's block while writing the beginning of this.....I know where its going its just I have troubles getting it there. Kind of like my driving skills I guess. Thank you for lookin at my rambles...ttfn...and YOUUU know what that means. I think. 


	2. Scotchtember is No Time For Komodo Drago...

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[Redone in 4/15/03]

Authoritrix Notes: ^__^ yay I write lots more. Thank you everyone who's reviewed! Oh and Ayami you are so twisted! Heheheee...write it! Plz! Anyway, thanks again and enjoy plz. R/R it makes my heart happy. 

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Disclaimer: I am not Betty, and I own no potatoes! Cast me from your castle if you must, but I must say this-- I don't own Harry Potter or Tuesdays. Um...J.K.Rowling owns Potter. And as for the Tuesday........ Ask my friend Ayami.....::shonin *cough* shonin:: Scotchtember belongs to Elf-boy and me a little. 

SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM

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[By: trsolarcat/rocketsolarcat]

::Chapter 1--"Scotchtember is No Time For Komodo Dragons!"::

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Reaching the gigantic doors of the main Hogwarts building Snape flung the doors open rushing in. He was not too occupied to notice how many students were around, nor did he care as he began to scowl a low insult under his breath, which resembled: 

"Edible flowers of evil haunt me in my sleep."

[I said it resembled that. He very well could have said something else.]

Making his way through the hall like a menacing radioactive hubcap, the kind you dare not touch or speak to--if that were possible to do, he ranted on. Swiftly going around a corner onto another corridor he found the hall where McGonagall's class was held. Instead of class being in session, there were students lining the entire corridor. Mainly Gryffindor students. 

Surprisingly as Snape made his way through the crowd, the students didn't part like the Red Sea. This was particularly disturbing to Snape. As a matter of fact, he didn't ever recall that happening before, ever. 

Finally upon reaching the end of the lengthy hall, he spied something out of the five corners of his eyes. Near the candle lit stone wall of the corridor talking to his heart's content was the Boy-Who-Lived. His constant companions were at his side as usual, Granger to the left and Weasley to the right. 

_How could I miss that?_ He thought, Severus Snape had for once in his life passed by Harry Potter without deducting class points. The Potions Master took a casual look around, glad for once this day that no other teachers were present to see his 'mistake'. 

Almost like hitting rewind on a remote, Snape backed up to about the place where Harry was standing. Clearing his throat, giving the young Gryffindors a chance to mentally write a last will, which is a very useful thing to do, if one is anywhere near Professor Trelawney, her brain is already on 'Death' overload anyhow.

"POTTER! GRANGER! WEASLEY! LAWN GNOME!" Snape yelled rather loudly, the trio jumped to life by his voice,"It is against school rules to stand of one foot, while talking about a sack of potatoes leaking on a Komodo dragon in the month of Scotchtember!" 

Potter was wide eyed, confused.

Granger began to nervously twirl her hair, looking everywhere but at Snape. 

Weasley was so nervous he was shaking, or maybe he was angry, the Potions Master couldn't tell until he yelled, "Scotchtember!? Who are you to accuse us--"

"WEASLEY! How dare you speak to me that way!" Snape was livid with anger, turning a bright shade of green. He thought about turning red, but then he thought about that Lamp-Toaster thing again, "Sixty Points from Gryffindor!"

The Boy-Who-Lived's face lit up at this, perhaps the mentioning of points being taken away had sprung something in his brain, he countered, "Forty! It's May, not Scotchtember!"

"Fifty-five!"

"Sold to the man in the raccoon suit!" Herminone yelled, "Please pick up your item at the back table, next item please!"

Ron Weasley was disappointed now he hung his head. The Potions Master turned to walk away satisfied at his good work. Snape wore many clothes. 

At last after what seemed a seriously long time, girlfriend, Snape made it to Dumbledore's office. All that was left was to get through the password-protected entrance to the Headmaster's room. He whispered the password quietly, so as no one could hear it and he wouldn't have to get so embarrassed, "..Lemon...Drops..."

The door didn't open. 

He knew this because he ran into it several times. 

Third time was a charm, and he began to spout off more passwords thinking, _Dumbledore changed the password? He doesn't usually do that until the end of summer. What was Potter saying about it being May?_

Seven more password tried later he found the correct word. It was not grapefruit. 

The door creaked open and Snape began to slink up the stairs. Upon entering Snape discovered where all the other teachers and staff in Hogwarts had been whisked away to. Before him stood Dumbledore, the staff and a large bowl of three way chili (But you might not have cared to know that). Dumbledore's eyes were kind as he approached Snape though he looked confused, "Welcome, friend. I assume that is what you are, is a friend, but might I ask: Who are you?" 

"Snape! Snape! Professor Severus Snape!" He yelled, but then calmed down realizing it was Albus Dumbledore he was yelling at. One should remember not to yell at their employer, "Surely you must remember me. I live in Hogwarts. I am a professor here. You throw parties over my death every time I'm late from a mission. " 

The room suddenly gasped as he mentioned his name. Madam Pomprey and Professor McGonagall covered their faces in shock, as if Snape had said something explicitly horrible [Like this: "Please check the mailbox, I am quite tired and I need to lie down." I am sorry if that offended you because of its vulgarity]. 

"For the record!" He added, "I own no mongeese!" 

A sigh of relief was then issued around the room. 

"You….you are…He-Who-Did-Us-All-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute?" Professor Flitwick asked, pointing a shaky finger at the dark-haired Professor. 

"I guess if that's what you are calling me now." He scowled in his monotone voice turning to see if Dumbledore believed him. 

Snape finally noticed Remus Lupin was present when he spoke up saying, "You do look like him. But wasn't he shorter…and….bald….-er?" 

[Wormtongue?]

"I'd have to say Lupin is correct." Professor McGonagall agreed, "You bare a striking resemblance to him."

Dumbledore the whole time was looking straight at the Potions Professor the entire time. Then he said, "Well you do look like him enough to actually be him." 

Somewhere a cat is scratching a nice hole in a sandbox. We all know what for! A child then plays sand in the box. This cat belongs not to the authoritrix. Unless…..

Albus Dumbledore had an epiphany.

"So you are!" The old Professor smiled mirthfully.

"So I are!" Snape let this sarcastic comment slip, mocking Dumbledore like a parrot, the grumpy kind that uses its laser beam eyes to stun its prey that happens to coincidentally be small children. 

[Snape's soul mate in the animal kingdom.]

Somewhere a little old woman drops an egg upon kitchen floor. She has no more. Yet she knows even if she feels unappreciated her grandchildren still love her. That is the reason she tries to make them brownies every weekend because she cares. Now she's at a stand still: what is to become of her brownies now?

"Nope I still don't believe it."

Snape realized it was going to take a lot of convincing before the staff of Hogwarts would believe that he'd actually come back. With a great sigh, Severus began what seemed an impossible task—for once in his life he wasn't worried about missing the cake from the 'Snape's Dead Party' he was worried about why the staff of had stopped holding them. They truly thought he was dead, to make matters more grave they'd forgotten completely about him, except for his name. He was like Voldemort, minus the pinecones; people were mentioning him like he was something to hide. Something you dare not say the rightful name for or you'd soon be shunned. Like a person with a beanie hat, the scary kind, that maims small children and the elderly. 

If Snape were a brittle man this whole thing might upset him. Good thing he always had a nice bucket of cottage cheese in his pocket, or he'd be upset. Cottage Cheese for the Teacher's Soul! 

"Now listen here…." He began to explain sitting down on the nearest chair.

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Authoritrix ending notes: Ended very strangely. I don't think I like the ending point. Oh well. Plot twists up in the next one. Yay! 


	3. The Private Investigator and You know Wh...

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Authoritrix Notes: Trying to get this story out as fast as I can. Can anyone tell me what's a BETA READER? Does it go good with crackers and cheese? Is it a fish? Wait, wait I know it's a car….I could never remember those names of cars! Is my friend Elf-Boy one? He helps me check my spelling sometimes. 

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Disclaimer: I own things. This is not one of those 'things' I own. J.K.Rowling owns Harry Potter and all things related to that. MY HAND IS NOT ON FIRE! 

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Warnings: this is the chapter you mother warned you about….nothing serious. 

SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM 

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By: Trsolarcat/RocketSolarCat 

:: Chapter 2-"The Private Investigator And You Know What That Means!" 

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After several times, the staff finally believed Snape was who he claimed to be. Saying Snape's name without spontaneously bursting into tears, was a penguin of a different color. 

"Say it with me--" Snape kept trying every time someone stuttered or began to call him 'He-Who-Did-Us-All-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute, "--Severus Snape!" 

They still refused. 

Finally, Dumbledore cleared his throat while Snape was still pressuring Remus into saying his name. Personally Snape didn't care if Lupin ever said his name again for as long as he lived, but just seeing that pale look in Lupin's face was fun enough for the Potions Master. 

Anyhow, Dumbledore cleared his throat. ["Hey, Morida, I feel like we've had this conversation before." Bonus points if you get that one.] Getting the groups attention to him again, "Glad to have you back with us….S-S…He-Who--"

"Please!" Snape yelled his hand went over his face harshly, "Just go on." 

"Anyhow," Dumbledore began to pace around the room slowly passing by the entire staff, "We are all here to discuss a most important…grave matter. As you all know, well, everyone except S-S….yeah. Everyone but our late arriving personnel knows that a young Hogwarts student was killed last Tuesday. She was of muggle blood, from both sides, and her parents are rich influential people."

He paused before going on, Snape seen McGonagall bow her head, several others did as well, Dumbledore stopped in front of the group, "Now her parents are calling for an investigation of their daughter's death. A muggle investigation…."

Snape could hardly believe this was Albus Dumbledore speaking, he jumped to his feet, "Let a muggle investigate Hogwarts!? Have you all gone mad!?" 

"No."

"Yes."

"Can we take a poll?"

No words could express the carpet peeling anger than was inside Snape at that moment. Anger which only elephants secrete.

"Honestly, Snape, ask a more specific question! That could be taken several ways!" Lupin said, reaching over to a table which had many a candy dish upon it. He grabbed a hand full of Lemon Drops shoveling them into his mouth before continuing, "Well what kind of….muggle…investigator is this? Who's doing it?"

Lupin's question diverted everyone's philosophical thinking, this wasn't a school of higher education after all, this was Hogwarts. 

"Me." Replied a masculine voice from a darkened corner of the room, somewhere behind Dumbledore. 

"Sol!"

"La!"

Snape blinked looking around confused until McGonagall elbowed him clearing her throat, and he instinctively replied, "…Ti…"

"Do!" McGonagall finished.

Somewhere a cow combusts into flames. [The Authoritrix would like to remind everyone, that no animal or gender was harmed in the making of this story. A ranch hand got sick, but it wasn't from a combusting cow.]

Disgusted he'd taken part in that display of insanity Snape hung his head in shame. Not at all caring that there was a muggle present, a muggle who owed the entire room a large explanation. 

As the man from the shadows stepped forward, light hit his face. Showing he was taller than most of the other people in the room, he had shoulder length brown hair and a clean shaved face. The muggle man was wearing a long trench coat, and boring attire underneath it consisting of all brown. 

Snape looked up, meeting eyes with the man. Something in the man's hazel eyes sparked anger within the dark-haired professor. Snape quickly decided he didn't like this man, or his wallpaper-licking strategy of hiding in the dark. 

"Who are you?" Snape asked, in a monotone voice, not taking his eyes off the muggle. 

The muggle hesitantly spouted, "Hal Staneswaf Whippoorwill-Alexander--"

"--Banana Fanna Fo Fanna?" Lupin questioned with a suspicious look on his face. 

The brown-haired man ignored Lupin going on, "--Private Investigator."

A gasp overcame the room in unison. Snape's eyes grew faster than a Chita Pet on drugs. 

"A what?" Professor McGonagall clasped her hands over her mouth, in shock. 

"NOT IN MY SCHOOL YOUR NOT!" Snape yelled, he'd guessed this man was up to no good from the start, "Not as long as I am a teacher in this school will I ever let you…..Investigate--that!"

The Investigator was in shock, not at all prepared for this kind of reaction, he began to shockingly explain himself, "I don't think you understand!"

"Muggles call that a job?"

"You get paid for that? That's horrible!"

Snape was glad that for once the staff seemed to be on his side. So glad in fact he had a quick random thought about a dancing pineapple. He'd almost forgot it was Sunday. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. [That whole Sunday piece might not be true.]

Somewhere in space: A couple of astronauts watch as a giant can of hair spray floats aimlessly past the window of their space craft. Thirty minutes later, they are still watching it [I said it was giant]. 

"My name is not Betty! I wield no potatoes!" The Investigator yelled finally silencing the Hogwarts staff, "Now then, you may not be familiar with what it is exactly that I do. I assure you that this is a job in my world. They even give degrees in--"

"Sickology!" Snape snarled advancing on the Investigator until he was close enough to touch noses with him. Pointing a finger at him he continued, "I don't know what kind of death this girl had but I guarantee it wasn't from that! So you and your degree in Genderology can go catch the next train out, and Private Investigate elsewhere!"

"What me no more! The girl's parents requested it--you have no say in the matter!" The Investigator snarled getting in Snape's face as well. The Potions Master was in no mood to pick a fight after his journey, but if this muggle wanted a fight, he wouldn't back down. The Investigator lowered his voice to a hiss looking into Snape's eyes daringly, "If you do not allow this investigation to be performed without interruptions you'll be forced to close this school....Permanently."

"Never!" Lupin cried also getting to his feet, he looked as if he was grabbing for his wand, about to curse the muggle to oblivion, Dumbledore took this time to get between Lupin before he was upon the Investigator. 

Dumbledore's voice was soft, but firm, "..Sn--take your seat, Potions Teacher. Lupin you as well. It seems we have no choice."

Snape slowly obeyed, not turning his back from the muggle as he returned to the velvet seated chair beside the now seated Lupin.

The silver haired Headmaster went on regretfully, "So, the investigation will go on. As of now, Investigator Hal Staneswaf Whipporwill-Alexander..Banana Fanna Fo Fanna--" 

He quickly added, "--You are free to roam the castle. You're dismissed to go back to your classes. Tell the students they are to leave Investigator Hal Staneswaf Whipporwill-Alexander alone to his own business. Except you Professor S...--"

Dumbledore pointed offhandedly at the dark-haired Professor, "I'd like to talk to you privately, in my office." 

Snape rose slowly eyeing the Investigator as he followed the Headmaster. As the rest of the teachers began to leave as well, downcast and silent. Snape saw the Investigator's eyes shift suspiciously around the staff as if they were all suspected murderers. When the muggle's eyes fell upon Lupin he was surprised to see the shorter man was glaring right back at him, he narrowed his eyes saying to the muggle, "Don't look at me like yo Momma don't feed you!" 

As dumb of an insult this was Snape realized Lupin had upset the Investigator just as much if not more than Snape had. The Potions Master made a mental note to send Remus a nice Christmas Card this year, anonymously of course. Perhaps Remus Lupin wasn't near the spineless Gryffindor as Snape had thought. 

Then the Potions Master turned following the Headmaster, finally. He knew Dumbledore would ask him for a full report of the events that had taken place since they had seen each other last. Snape wouldn't exactly mind to know what exactly was going on either. 

As he entered through another set of mahogany doors that led to Dumbledore's high office Snape spied a calendar on the wall. It was covered in "X"-marks to count the passing days. It was exactly three months, and three weeks since he'd left for the Malfoy Mansion. 

He stopped abruptly, "THREE AND A HALF MONTHS!?"

"Yes, I do believe so...such a long time." Dumbledore sighed regretfully shaking his head clicking his tongue in disgust. 

Snape fell deadly silent. For all this time he'd thought perhaps that he was gone for years. They'd forgot him after only three months and three weeks. 

Snape made another mental note, to scratch off that card to Lupin. As well as the rest of the Hogwarts staff. 

He gritted his teeth and followed Dumbledore, after this he was going to deduct a lot of points from Gryffindor to make up for this sour mood he was in. 

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Authoritrix says: it has a plot? WHY WHY WHYYYYY?! ^__^;; Thanks for readin' r/r mah plz. 

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NEXT UP 

Chapter 3--"Ferns Aren't Evil, They just Aren't Edible!" 

The truth of the fern is about to be known. 


	4. Ferns Aren't Evil They Just Aren't Edibl...

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Authoritrix Notes: I can't help myself; I'm addicted to writing fics now. I want to see that movie Willard or whatever…Rats kick arse! Just thought I'd say. Thanks everyone who reviewed me, especially Ivory Tower who reviews a lot, which is kewl. But I don't forget those other ones too, thank you also!

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Disclaimer: Do you own Harry Potter? Is your name J.K.Rowling? Mine isn't. I don't own even a block of wood that resembles Harry Potter. I don't own Scutes and Latters either, I think one of those game companies does… 

SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM

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.::Chapter 3-"Ferns Aren't Evil They Just Aren't Edible"::.

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By--TrSolarCat/RocketSolarCat

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Soon after Dumbledore and Snape had reached the upper office, the Potions Master took an angry flop down onto another chair. Angry his so-called _acquaintances _would consider him dead after only three months. 

Dumbledore was sitting adjacent to the dark-haired Professor looking rather stoic.

"Three months, huh?" Snape shook his head as he turned in the chair to face the Headmaster. Poised to attack if the older man said anything excessively stupid in his reply. It was Sunday after all.

"Did I say that?" Asked Dumbledore, then got up quickly meandering to another calendar this time placed behind his desk, "No, it's Scotchtember. Lets see, if you were gone three months it would be May."

"Oh," Snape sighed quite relieved but not any less confused by this, "But Potter said it was May, so did that calendar out there in the hall."

Snape mentally slapped himself for using Potter as a reference for any reason what so ever. 

"The calendar in the hall? You mean the one in my Drastically Old Calendar collection? I hung that up two years ago, you should know that, seeing as though you have only been absent from Hogwarts thirty days. Besides all that, Mr. Potter always thinks it's May, just like his father did. I believe it's a family defect." 

"I had one of those once," Snape nodded in agreement, but then he calmly realized something important, "Donkeys aren't blue! Potter lied! I've only been gone thirty days?!"

All three things were very true. 

[Well that Donkey thing might not be, If you've seen donkeys like I have....Isn't coloring donkeys all sorts of illegal?]

Snape's fingers dug into the chair's arms, he quietly kept repeating,'I will not harm the elderly with salad tongs'. 

Meanwhile Dumbledore seemed quite self-contained. Opening his mouth to speak yet he didn't immediately, then, "So you say you left...yesterday, huh?"

"Yes." Snape assured him, "Very early yesterday I left for the Malfoy residence. When I came back, everything is like it is now."

"I understand the Malfoy's are very generous with kippers," Dumbledore nodded, "I received several in a Christmas basket last November."

Snape wondered if Dumbledore knew his coat rack was on fire or that he made no sense. 

"Oh, I see. You know what? I've been wondering since I got back who did you replace me with?" Snape watched calmly as the coat rack disintegrated into a smoldering lump of ashes. 

He was mentally smiling. 

Dumbledore was mentally screaming, however. He bit his lip nervous, "Is that a cucumber?"

"I'm positive you replaced me. Probably the first day I was gone." Hissed Snape, not at all wondering about the concept that there might actually be a cucumber present. 

"Well…" Dumbledore regretfully began as he took in a long drawn out breath and started to explain, "You see—."

[The Authoritrix would like to your attention to be momentarily distracted. Due to the pain Snape is about to receive from this horrible knowledge.] 

A lone stick sits at the base of a flight of stairs somewhere on the grounds of Hogwarts. This stick has made this far journey from the ocean along with the other seashells. [I think I've lost someone.] Suddenly this stick is interrupted in its meditation by a masculine bloodcurdling scream is heard all over the grounds. The stick gains a halo. 

Meanwhile back inside Hogwarts, Snape storms out of Dumbledore's office. He still wore clothes, and a lot of them at that. He didn't stop his storming until he reached the dungeons of Hogwarts. Reaching the door on which his name was written deep into a wood plaque on it. He rapped on the door several times. 

"I'm coming, hold on!" Called a voice as Snape heard the person sneeze several times as the door began to rattle. The familiar squeak of the door from the rusty hinges, Snape loved that door. The door opened and from the other side Sirius Black pushed his head out. Sirius' nose was red, as he held up a bag of ice over his head. Sirius whined saying, "Oh, no, not you…"

Snape was so shocked he didn't even have enough stamina left in him to yell at Sirius for letting a student in Slytherin die. 

"You remember me?" He choked with wide eyes. 

"Of course I do." Sirius rolled his eyes, "You all look the same. Like I told your friend yesterday: I don't fancy any weasels! Goodbye!"

Sirius proceeded in closing the door. 

Snape's foot caught the door, then pushing a hand into it, he yelled, "DON'T EVEN PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BLACK!"

Sirius looked at Snape strangely then squinted his eyes as if it would help him to figure out the person was. Then, "Nope not pretending." 

Proceeded in closing the door again. 

"Hey you--!" Snape began to say something resembling a bunch of really nasty words that appall old women and cause them to umbrella-bash the person speaking them. Snape stopped mid-sentence, from behind him he seen that someone else was there. Turning he realized it was the investigator standing there with a pleased smirk. 

"Well, well if it isn't Mr. Potion's Teacher…or should I call you: He-Who-Did-Us-All-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute? Should I be worried about this? Isn't it called _Forced Entry_?"

"No." Snape blinked.

"No," The detective frowned shrugging his shoulders, then he approached, "And I suppose your just helping him fix his old rusty door, Huh?"

"I like my old rusty door!" Snape and Sirius chimed in unison. 

Sirius gave Snape a horrible dirty scowl, so dirty dust bunnies collect under it like a 70's furnished couch [You know the earwax yellow colored ones with lime green flowers]. 

"I suggest you leave, Mr. Snape. You're disrupting my investigation." Investigator Hal growled, as Sirius opened the door a little less. 

Snape opened his mouth to argue, but glanced quickly at Sirius then back to Hal with much quickness [Did I mention he did this quickly?]. Pointing to Sirius while looking at Hal he asked, "Your investigation?"

"Yes. That's a good teacher. Now then scurry along and go….teach something." Hal cooed, with much spite and sarcasm. Though Snape was too thrilled to recognize the insult, a creepy grin crept onto the Potions Master's face. Snape's hands fell off the door, and he stepped away gingerly. 

"Okay. Very well then, happy private investigating." Snape smiled as he waved offhandedly to the Investigator, taking off down the hall once more. 

****************

As Snape walked rather slowly out of the dungeon he thought out loud. Occasionally answering his own questions in an argumentative debate. 

He turned another corner, the dark hall before him had nothing in particular to catch the Potions Master's eyes but as he went on through the corridor he noticed a picture frame. He never noticed one there before, as he passed he stopped turning to face it.

"Very odd." He pulled out his Pocket Edition Scutes and Latters but decided he'd better investigate the picture first. Inside the picture was a scene of a kitchen--nothing strange about that except there was another picture within it [How redundant is that?] that said, 'Kiss the Dark Lord' hanging over the door jamb. 

[Jamb is my new word for the year.]

Hearing a loud amount of whistling, Snape looked around for the source, which would most likely be Mrs. Norris. Then he understood that it was coming from the picture frame. Inside a tall rather scary looking man in an apron walked into the scene. He was scary by a five-year-old's standard, not a six-year-old's. 

_Voldemort?_ Snape wondered as he scrunched his nose, _Voldemort in an apron?_

Snape decided with vigor that he would ask Voldemort where he'd come across such a fine apron. 

"My Lord!" Lucius Malfoy's annoying cactus-licking voice that made Snape want to lick a cactus rang out, "Something strange is afoot."

Then he added, "The left one!"

Voldemort blinked then looked down at his foot,"Yes. I know it seems that something odd going on. I believe it has something to do with those odd ferns in your front lawn. I think they are very just the herbs I needed to complete this…."

Voldemort pointed to the oven in the corner. 

"Really?" Lucius gasped, "Well I was reading, which is something I like to do, when I'm not doing a little macramé. It lowers the blood pressure. Anyhow, I was reading a book called, 'Ten Things to do With a Fern That Doesn't Involve a Phone Booth', it was very interesting. It said if you do some….things you can curse someone with a fern."

__

Things? Snape wondered, _Like?_

[Things like this: Have two people say the words "It shall never be winter in this spot again." On a Tuesday the Seventeenth and then the people as well as everything with a 10-mile radius is eternally stuck in whatever date the curse words were chanted. Meaning Lucius, Voldemort and Snape are stuck on Tuesday-just like many people should be.]

"THINGS!" Voldemort yelled, Lucius cowered quite low as the Dark Lord ranted, "THINGS? Of course! Why didn't I see it all before? After I am done with this deliberately ugly birthday cake for Wormtail-let us flee to the scene of the fern!"

With out much warning the oven buzzer went off. Naturally all three of the men: Snape, Voldemort and Lucius chimed in saying what everyone usually says when an oven buzzer goes off: 

"NAKED MAN, NAKED MAN—OH COME DOWN NAKED MAN AND I SHALL GIVE YOU SOME STRAWBERRY CAKE!"

[Bjork? Or something surprisingly close to it.]

Voldemort's eyes darted around. 

Snape had an odd feeling that the Dark Lord had heard him. He saw the Dark Lord move about the room with his eyes darting about, as he reached out slowly. Dreading it as he got nearer to the front of the picture, Snape backed away. Rushing down the hall, but before he turned the corner his curiosity drew his eyes back. From the picture came a long fingered hand pushed its way through the middle of the picture. 

"What's this?" Came Voldemort's voice, as he as well as Lucius came through quickly, "Ah, Lucius this is a nice surprise. Hogwarts, without a ward, and Snape looking like he's in another sauna. They put saunas in Hogwarts now a days?"

Snape turned on his heels, "Lord Voldemort! What a nice…surprise." 

Somehow or other the Potions Master thought today would end up, kind of bad. Yet, he didn't expect it to be this bad. As he slowly walked back towards Lucius and Voldemort, Snape realized he'd made a horrible mistake. If only it wasn't a Sunday, this would not have happened. 

Snape could see it all now. He'd go down in history as 'He-Who-Let-The-Dark-Lord-Into-Hogwarts-And-Doomed-Us-All-A-Lot' but he wondered if that was any better than his current name. He decided it was a sharp 'no', and it might have been a considered 'maybe' if it was only a Tuesday.

*******************

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Authoritrix Final Notes: 

Wow, another _exciting _chapter done. Please be sure to r/r me, or post my name on your local automobile. oO or maybe just review it. Unless your that devoted, then you would scare me. Sorry if I didn't explain the whole fern thing too much, I tried but I couldn't fit it all in. 

Next Chapter: "Forget the Ambrosia We've Got the Real Food of The Gods" -- Um…Tropical Trail Mix. Um… 


	5. Forget the Ambrosia We've Got the Real F...

Authoritrix Notes: AHHHHHHH! OH GAWD GET IT OFF MEEEE! THE FLESH IT BURNSSS! [Translation: I'd like to thank my cat Rezo again, who's been my moral support through all of this, and always aims for the vital parts of the body.] My cousins, who don't even know their names, are on this right now....  
  
Disclaimer: Not even on a sunny Tuesday in Scotchtember do I own Harry Potter. He and all things related to him belong to J.K.Rowling. Or where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. MY KNEECAP ARG! DEMON! DEVIL NOOOO! EVILLLL! Oh, and I never noticed this but I own Detective Hal.... --AHHHHHHHHHH! ANYTHING BUT MY DAMN KNEECAP!  
  
**********************  
  
SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM  
  
-[Chapter 4 "Forget the Ambrosia we've got the Real Food of the Gods!"]-  
  
By- TRSolarCat/RocketSolarCat  
  
***********************  
  
Severus Snape wasn't ever one to dally around in the halls of Hogwart's but wouldn't it be the Luck of the Teacher that exact thing lead him to letting the Dark Lord into the school. One should always remember never to sing strange things when oven buzzers go off--and that is the kind of knowledge Snape would place bets on.  
  
So he found himself wandering the halls, now accompanied by the two people who made Snape want to cook his doorstop [Which means: They really upset him]. Lucius to his left, and Voldemort to his right they began a slow paced walk--to heaven knows where, as far as the Potions Master was concerned.  
  
"Alright, who wants to play Road Trip Bingo? "Asked a certain blond, who at the moment will be nameless.  
  
Snape gave him a very poisonous glance, but before he could react to this comment the gray and brown Mrs. Norris came around the corner. The cat gave a mournful cry, and turned back. For some reason this brought a glimmer of hope in Snape, knowing Filch wouldn't be far behind.  
  
"What's that, my love?" Came Filch's horrid, grumbling voice as he came around the corner with the usual lantern in his hand. Squinting he got really close to Snape then said, "Professor?"  
  
Snape's goal for this year was to never say anything spitefully sarcastic to the staff of Hogwart's. But he'd already broke that once already so twice wouldn't be too bad, "Why do you have that lantern lit, in broad daylight, grant you this is a dungeon, but we have some nice windows. Oh! Look there's one now!"  
  
Filch looked up as if it he were trying to spot an airplane or something of that nature.  
  
Voldemort did too.  
  
"BINGO!" Lucius joyfully yelled, throwing his hands up, then making a pencil scratch on a tiny notebook, "Snape, you almost had me there. I thought I'd never find a 'window covered in molten lava'."  
  
Snape promised himself he wouldn't go there.  
  
Filch slanted his eyes and looked at Snape once more, "Is everything alright, Professor?"  
  
"No, actually." Replied the professor, preparing to give Filch a message to Dumbledore but the older man just nodded his head.  
  
"That's good."  
  
"What?" Snape frown, beginning to wonder if Filch had just gotten used to Snape denying everything or perhaps Filch had been force-fed too many can's of prune juice lately. Either way Filch hadn't heard him correctly, "No, no you don't understand--"  
  
"Alright, Professor, I'll leave you and your guests alone. But I'd be careful, I think a student is stealing things again...."  
  
"When you say 'a student' you mean Potter?" Snape asked, as Lucius and Voldemort lit up, rather excited.  
  
Filch nodded, then turned and walked away without saying so much as a rusty 'goodbye'.  
  
Almost as if it was on cue, The-Boy-Who-Lived came around the corner as soon as Filch and his rag doll cat disappeared. Harry was humming a rather upbeat tune [It was the Harry Potter main theme because that's all Warner Brothers would allow him to hum. Legally.] , Snape watched as the boy walked past them, not paying them any mind.  
  
Voldemort could care less as well, it seemed.  
  
"POTTER!" Snape yelled, because it was rather entertaining, hearing Harry's shoes squeak to an abrupt halt, "HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY 131st GENDER!"  
  
[And here you thought he forgot about that.]  
  
Lucius made another scratch on the paper in his hands," I did it again! Snape you're the best at this game."  
  
Snape tried not to respond to that. Taking more interest in the brown haired youth, "Potter?"  
  
"Yes, He-Who-Was-Mean-And-Did-Us-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute-So -Lets-Have-A-Party-Yay! What is it?" Harry droned looking into the professor's eyes with a cute smile, which is what he was known best for.  
  
"Wait.... Where are Granger and Weasley?"  
  
"Beats me."  
  
"Are you...."Snape questioned with a disgusted face, "Never mind. Potter, can you deliver a message from me to Dumbledore?" Harry nodded, "Tell him that the chicken is in the blinder."  
  
Harry was looking rather confused by this scrunching up his face, so Snape went on, not concerned that the Dark Lord was over his shoulder listening.  
  
"You know.... The badger has left the nuclear plant." Snape explained, apparently Harry still didn't understand," The mailman has left the post office. Oh! Just tell him Hogwart's is doomed!"  
  
Snape was so angry at the moment it was dangerous, so it was a good thing Potter (finally) understood.  
  
"Wonderful analogy. "Voldemort clapped, nudging Potter by the shoulders,  
  
"Run along now, Potter, you have to get that message to Dumbledore." Voldemort waved to the Boy-Who-Lived as he turned skipping his way back up the hall. Lucius however was too busy with the pencil and paper checking off things at random times. Voldemort turned to the black-haired professor, "Who's the 'chicken in the blinder'? I am being facetious, of course."  
  
"Why were we here again, my lord? "Lucius suddenly looked quite disturbed, putting the tiny notebook back into his robes, somewhere or other [You know what that means].  
  
"Why where else, but the girl's bathroom. "Voldemort laughed rabidly, as Snape's eyes grew very largely, Lucius cheered very solaced (indeed).  
  
Seeing this Voldemort added,"...To the hidden entrance to The Chamber of Really Special Things, naturally..."  
  
Snape sighed, deeply. But then wondered if Voldemort meant something other, like: The Chamber of Secrets.  
  
---------------------------  
  
Harry meanwhile, skipped joyfully up to the Headmaster's office, reaching the door he spoke the password. Which was still not grapefruit. Bursting into the room, "HEADMASTER! HEADMASTER! THERE'S A BODY IN THE WINDOW SEAT!"  
  
Dumbledore gave a shocked look, only then did Harry notice the Gryffindor Head of House was there also. McGonagall approached the brown-haired boy, sweetly saying, "Oh, no, Darling Mortimer, we put him there. The poor soul."  
  
Harry seemed satisfied with that answer.  
  
"Who told you that, Harry. "Dumbledore was still looking worried. Harry quickly told him--well as quickly as you can say: 'He-Who-Did-Us-All-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute', which isn't fast at all.  
  
---------------------------  
  
In the girl's bathroom: Snape, Lucius and the Dark Lord were trying to fend off the rightfully insane females who occupied themselves with pelting the three men with walri, and very ripe walri at that.  
  
[Wow, I never knew 'walri' was plural for 'walrus', I always thought it was 'walruses' or something. This subject was debated with Elf-boy for several minutes, he convinced me it was more grammatically correct to say 'walri'.]  
  
When they finally had gotten into the dark underground chamber, covered in Snake statues on either side of it leading to a larger statue then the rest. Torches lined the room, already burning brightening the room. Voldemort gave an impressive jig in the middle of the misty chamber--stopping quickly--"Something isn't right here..."  
  
"Yes." Snape agreed, looking about the cobwebbed, filth-covered cavern, "Is it the musky air, the newly lit torches, or the--"  
  
"--BOWL OF TRAIL MIX! "Lucius screamed, randomly, giving a tug on Snape's arm where he'd latched onto in fear, pointing off to a short column that held a small red bowl on it--in the middle of the room. Lucius squeezed the Potions Master's arm tighter, with narrow eyes he continued, "And it's.... Tropical."  
  
Voldemort looked worried now.  
  
"Well, done, Lucius." Laughed another cold voice from somewhere in the shadows [You know what that means],"You always were good at that sort of thing. That's what I get for being hired by a Carmen Sandiego fan!"  
  
Coming into the light Snape saw for the first time, the true mastermind behind the entire incident.  
  
"MY LANDSCAPER?!" Lucius cried, as Snape's arm went very, very numb.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Authoritrix notes: PLEASE forgive me, I had the hardest time writing this chapter and I had another writer's block, I promise next chapter will be better. BTW: I used Arsenic and Old Lace in this one, just in case you didn't catch it, but your smart people so.... Thanks. R/r please.  
  
Next Up-- "Chapter 5--Betty Dark Lord of the Potatoes" 


	6. Betty Dark Lord of Potatoes

****

Authoritrix Notes: Sorry if that last chapter ended in a "cliff-hanger", I hear that's a bad thing. o.O I have no idea… **Disclamer**: _*a clam comes up opening. A small note inside reads: 'The Authoritrix would like to mention once more that she doesn't own Harry Potter, or anything sane and recognizable.'*_

Severus Snape and the Fern of Doom 

by Trsolarcat/RocketSolarcat 

****

Chapter **5**: "Betty the Dark Lord of Potatoes!" 

________________________________________

"Landscaper?" The black-haired professor asked reluctantly, as he made one of those faces his mother always told him would _stick_ if he held it for too long. (What did the old woman know about that sort of thing anyhow?) Lucius nodded, still somewhat hiding behind the Potions Master. 

The landscaper on the other hand was looking rather gendered and evil. Saying,"At last the day has come, Lucius—oh! And those other too that are your friends—."

Severus proceeded to ignore the gardener, a lot. 

"So, who won this one, I know it wasn't me." He asked pulling out a slip of paper that was shoved inside his robes,"I thought it would be a twicker—."

[_Cough cough—Quirrell!—]_

"Dumbledore voted for someone from the Ministry, Harry voted for someone someone irrelevant and not mentioned from the school, McGonagall voted for…me," Snape stopped making a pouting face, "Thanks Minerva. And Voldemort voted for himself…which makes a whole lot of sense, and Lucius, for his evil landscaper—making him the winner."

Lucius did the happy dance, while Snape and Voldemort reached in their pockets for the half of the bet money. Throwing it at him with much spite. 

"…Hello? I'm evil—listen to me!" The landscaper waved his hands in front of his face, enraged for the three men were still not paying him any mind. 

Suddenly, without much warning a rather brown potato met with Snape's forehead. 

"What the hell—?" Snape screeched somewhere from the ground, a large bruise upon his face. 

"I warned you." The landscaper hissed with slanted eyes,"Those who mess with Betty perish."

"Betty?" Voldemort asked, giving him a skeptical glance,"_The _Betty?"

Snape looked confused and very potato-whacked. Looking around the dark chamber, he heard something from deep with the bowels of the dark cave. Something was coming closer. 

"My Lord, do you think we could postpone this conversation?" Severus asked hearing a crash as something came closer. 

"I don't think you'll want to leave, you see I picked up some rather interesting people in my travels to this chamber." Betty told them, giving an evil glance right into the eyes of the Potions Master before going on he snapped his fingers. The noise was so close to them now, an ominous black shadow hovered over Betty from behind. With a swift movement, something was flung out from the shadow. Landing behind them were several large web-like cocoons—holding people in them, no less. 

"A giant_ spider_?" Snape wondered aloud as he seen Lucius' eyes grow very un-narrow again.

"Draco?" Lucius asked, looking towards one of the cocoons which had blond hair hanging from it.

"…huh?" Came the reply as the cocoon shuffled, indeed it was Draco inside the shell.

"**SON!**" 

"**FATHER!**" 

"**SON!**"

This went on for twenty minutes. 

Far, far away—in the savage jungles of Alaska, if that helps any—a nature show host is with a young cameraman (the stupid ones that ask those shifty-eyed _questions _about snakes and such). The nature man urges the man forward towards a seen of a small baby Three-Toed-Mara-Sloth. Then he says to the rolling camera: "This is how the baby Mara-Sloth calls it's parents back to it—!" 

"**FATHER!**" Draco randomly screamed for the sixteenth time as Snape became very annoyed, and throws the stray potato, that still had his blood on it, at the blond-haired boy—silencing him. 

Lucius shrugged. 

Betty was enjoying himself at the Tropical Trail Mix bowl, when Severus finally asked,"Is that really tropical?" After hitting himself he rephrased the question,"So what do you plan on doing with us now, Betty?"

"Betty the Dark Lord of Potatoes has not decided this yet." The landscaper told them all in third person, for some reason,"Perhaps I will let the spider kill you. Or perhaps I will kill you just as I did that girl…"

"Ah-hah!" Called a voice from the darkness, then the brown-haired Private Investigator emerged with Lupin, McGonagall, Black and Potter by his side,"So it _was_ you—I knew it all along!"

Snape felt something inside him turn very bitter and so he yelled,"Shut up! Chadwick Marywither the Third!"

[Good Charlotte?] 

"There is no _Marywither _in my name!" Hissed Hal getting rather close to the Potions Master. Sirius pulled him away, as McGonagall. Lupin and Potter stood watching in awe as Hal struggled like a rabid eggplant,"I'll _Marywither _your arse into next Tuesday!" 

"Is that a big spider?" Potter asked, curiously of Betty whom he was smiling at in his innocent kind of way standing rather close to him. 

"Scary child with the Hypnotic Smiling Powers of Good, please back away from Betty!" He yelled, as the spider moved swiftly—Potter was now trapped within a web-like substance.

"Ah!" Voldemort screamed flailing his arms with a diseased scrunchy,"Were all doomed, Potter has failed! Wait—."

["_Ursula! I found your scrunchy!"_]

Voldemort pulled out a notebook from his pocket, and began to take notes. If this Dark Lord could defeat the great Harry Potter—no telling what Betty Dark Lord of the Potatoes could accomplish. 

"Now then, now that enough…players have arrived, I have something to ask of you all." Betty cooed as he looked over his _guest _(four teachers, a dark lord, two students and a rich blond),"I wish to play a rousing game of—!"

With that the entire party screamed bloody murder.

"How dare you? You're no better than the Private Investigator!" McGonagall ranted, pointing to Betty odiously. 

"You can't do that, there are children present!" Lucius concluded, gesturing to his son in the cocoon as well as Harry—though he probably didn't do it for Potter's good welfare as much as his son's good.

"I said: _a rousing _not _arousing_!" The Potato Dark Lord loudly informed them, as a large sigh of relief was issued around the chamber,"If you get aroused by Hot Potato, something is wrong with you. Unless…"

[Here we go with_ that_ again.]

"Hot potato?" Snape scaled his hand in the burning water, saying sardonically,"Oh, great and evil Betty, I do not want to taste your powerful wrath of potato! Just let us go, you nut!"

"You have angered Betty!" The landscaper screeched then calmly smoothed his hair,"Alright, to be fair I'll explain the rules. The person with the potato—."

A potato was thrown into the side of Sirius' face, as he fell over twitching in bloody sput-pelted horror Betty went on,"…Will be first up. Pass the wonder spud to many a person until the polka music which my assistant—." He pointed to a corner of the room where a dark figure, that just so happened to be Peter Petigrew was seated, with a tape player. 

"**WORMTAIL?!**" Voldemort voiced,"How could you?"

Peter gave him a narrow-eyed look, gritting his teeth,"That cake was ugly."

"…Anyhow, when the music stops, you die if you hold the potato or…my spider eats you first." Quickly the **other** Dark Lord told them,"Now lets begin."

"Wait, wait." Sirius held his hand out,"Give me a second to think of a horribly ingenious plot, now let's see. Oh! I got it. Lupin do you still have that nose-kazoo I gave you on your Un-birthday?"

"Yes, why?" Lupin pulled it out as the others watched in amazement (it was a very nice kazoo), Sirius leaned over telling Lupin the plot to get away from this evil Potato Master. Straightening up once more, the two stood tall, Lupin rose his kazoo triumphantly, playing a note. 

Then Sirius' voice rung out in perfect pitch,"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Sna-ape-e! Happy birthday to you!"

Handing the brown potato to Snape Remus asked him joyfully,"Isn't it what you always wanted? A potato and an Arachnid?"

"I hate you all!" Was all the Potions Master got to say, before the polka music began, and the spider stepped forward. He quickly searched his pockets for his wand, finding it was on vacation he dashed away for the entrance of the chamber, the ground began to shake—the spider was right after him. 

****

Authoritrix notes: last two parts are up next. Actually the last part and a afterwards thing. ^-^;; At least it's almost done, huh? 

****

Next chapter: "Yay! It's everybody's birthday!" 


End file.
